fic: Dear Fancy Friend (Ted Lasso)

[chasingkerouac]

Title: Dear Fancy Friend (AO3)

Fandom: Ted Lasso

Words: 1.3k

Characters: Keeley Jones/Roy Kent, Rebecca Welton

Additional Tags: Humor, Relationship Advice

Summary: Keeley's invited to be a guest advice columnist. Roy might be the better fit, whether he fucking likes it or not.
 

 

“And it’s just a guest spot,” Keeley said as tucked her feet up under her on Rebecca’s office couch.  “But they were always really supportive when I modeled and didn’t once print outtakes from that one shoot where I tripped into the koi pond, so I thought it might be fun.”

Rebecca took a sip of her drink and leaned back against her desk.  “I think you’d give great advice,” she said.  “I don’t see why you thought you needed my permission…”

Keeley beamed.  “Nah, I wasn’t looking for permission, I just wanted to brag a bit.  Keeley Jones, Celebrity Agony Aunt for Gal About Monthly .”

“Well then, I think you’ll be fantastic,” Rebecca replied, lifting her drink.

“They’ve sent over a few of the questions that I get to choose from.”  Keeley gave the spot next to her a pat, and Rebecca didn’t hesitate to join her on the couch.  “Everyone has love problems.  I’m not sure yet when they’re publishing it, so it could be a Valentine’s special.”

“Or people in general are just terrible at love.”

Keeley nodded.  “I need to make sure to slip in a plug for Bantr while I’m answering.  You’ve been having a good time, yeah?”

Rebecca tilted her head, pursed her lips, and… deflected.  “I’ve been pleasantly surprised.  Although since my expectations were muted to begin with, I think we can go with ‘meets expectations’.”

“You can’t say you’ve had better luck on-”

“I don’t think we need to run down the absolutely embarrassing list of dating apps that you’ve helped me throw myself out on.”  But Rebecca grinned.  “Ok, yes, Bantr has been the best of them.”

“You were right, Keeley,” Keeley said. 

“Yes, you were right, Keeley,” Rebecca agreed.  She motioned to Keeley’s phone.  “Come on, let’s hear the first one.  What sad sack is writing to a…”

“Millennial woman’s fashion and dog care media blog.”

“Yes… that.  Wait, do they only publish a monthly blog?”

Keeley shook her head.  “All of the posts have a monthly theme.  You know, like everything on there in January will have a January theme which might be snowmen.  So there would always be a snowman in pictures, and dogs would be dressed as snowmen, and you’d have sex articles about what to do if you man is acting like a snowman.”

Rebecca tilted her head.  “If he’s being cold and distant, or if he’s actually trying to have sex dressed as a snowman?”

“A bit of both,” Keeley mused.  “You can’t really stop to question it much when you need to churn out content.  Not when you need twelve new posts a day to keep ad revenue up.”

There were few times where Rebecca felt old, but this was admittedly one of them.  “Well… it sounds like an honor to be asked to participate.  First question.  Let’s hear it.”

Keeley pulled up the email on her phone, cleared her throat, and grinned.  “Alright.  First question.  Dear Fancy Friend… that’s what they call the guests answering the questions.  Dear Fancy Friend, my boyfriend of three years doesn’t want to get married but has been telling his coworkers I’m his wife.  I only found out by accident when we ran into one of his coworkers at the pub.  I corrected him, but my boyfriend got really angry and wanted me to pretend anyway.  I’m confused - I want to get married and my boyfriend has said no that he doesn’t believe in marriage.  What’s going on?  Should I just play along?”  She made a face and grabbed Rebecca’s drink to take a sip.  “That’s awful.  If he doesn't want to marry her, why does it matter enough to lie to his coworkers?”

“If she wants to get married that badly, she should’ve left him the minute he said no,” Rebecca mused.

“I know,” Keeley agreed.  “I wonder if-”

“He’s fucking another coworker and doesn’t want to make it serious with her.”  The pair turned to find Roy standing in the doorway to Rebecca’s office.  “He’s too much of a fucking coward to break it off with either of them, so he’s hoping they don’t find out about each other but he made the obvious fucking mistake.”

“Which is?” Rebecca prompted.

“His coworkers can’t keep a secret for shit,” Roy replied.  “So which one of your friends is dating this shithead?  Is it Stacey?  If it’s the same guy from dinner last month, he was a shithead then and he’s a shithead now and she deserves better.”

Keeley shook her head and patted the open side of the couch to get Roy to join them.  “No, remember how I told you that blog wanted me to do guest advice?”

“The weird one with the dogs you showed Phoebe?”

“Mmhmm,” Keeley agreed.  She gave the couch another pat and Roy sat down with a mumble and a huff.  “I thought it might be a great place to talk about Bantr, but I’m having another idea.  A brilliant one!”

“No.”

Keeley beamed.  “Oh yes.”

“Fuck no.”

“It would be great publicity for you and the team.”

“Keeley…”

“There’s been a lot of positive buzz about you coming back to Richmond,” Keeley pressed.  “You’re fucking hot right now.  Not that you aren’t always hot,” she added, getting an eye roll but also his arm draped behind her on the couch.  “Plus I think it could be fun.  Please?”

Roy glanced over at Rebecca, who was also grinning wildly behind her glass.  “I’m not sure my boss would approve of -”

“Well, Ted is your boss,” Rebecca said.  “And I’m certain that his reaction would be something along the lines of ‘Why I think it’s fine and dandy for you to be an answer Andy’.  And even if he didn’t, I’m his boss and I’d really like to see where this is going.”  She reached a hand over and scrolled the list of questions on Keeley's phone up.  “Plus the next question involves a woman whose husband can only perform sexually when dressed as Santa Claus, and I’d really like to know your answer to that.”

“It’s fucking weird, but if he likes it and she likes it, go be fucking weird together and don’t worry about what anyone else says,” he growled.  “Unless she doesn’t like it.”

“No… no she does,” Keeley said, reading through the rest of the question.  “Roy, that was brilliant... so fucking hot when a man's in touch with his feelings… what about a girl who’s boyfriend refuses to-”

“She deserves fucking better.”

“I didn’t finish the question.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he said.  “I know the answer is she deserves fucking better.  Honestly, the answer to most of these is probably she deserves fucking better.”  He looked at Keeley, who was looking back at him with the biggest eyes and poutiest frown and… “Fine,” he relented.  “I’ll give the fucking advice.  Just the advice.  We don’t need to make a big fucking deal out of it.”

“Of course,” Keeley promised.  “Just one little advice column.  We’ll promote Bantr and the team, and honestly, I bet everyone will be too distracted by the puppy pictures to realize it’s THE Roy Kent and it won’t be a big deal at all.”

 

---

 

GAL ABOUT MONTHLY

 

Dear Fancy Friend - December

This Month’s Guest Friend - Roy Kent (AFC Richmond)

 

* Hi Lovelies!  Remember the first run of t-shirts have SOLD OUT so get on the waiting list for the next drop once they’re reprinted!!!  ‘Roy Kent Fixed My Love Life’ available in white, black, and pink.  Get 15% off with the code ROYSAIDIFUCKINGDESERVEBETTER if you sign up for the waiting list!  And remember to tweet with #RoySaidIFuckingDeserveBetter to see if we can convince him to come back!!

Dear Fancy Friend, my boyfriend of three years doesn’t want to get married but…